I have really been having some up and down days. Or maybe months.
I'm going to share something super personal, because I want to try to see if blogging it and getting it out in the open will help me. I've tried a lot of other methods.
Story time. When I was in the 8th grade, I made an attempt at suicide. After a few doctor's appointments I was put on some anti-depressants. After I had Christy, Rob and I moved to Utah. We moved into our own apartment and I made a second attempt. Until I heard Christy crying and, I kindof came to my senses. I began seeing a therapist and my doctor. The discovery was I was on the wrong meds. Birth Control! (I was on birth control early to help regulate my cycle) I have been on almost every known birth control on the market today. Birth control makes me very suicidal, depressed and maybe even a little crazy.
I'm not on any birth control at the moment. But I am feeling very depressed. I'm not feeling suicidal. I do know that I have so much to live for. I have my darling children, a wonderful family, the most amazing friends, and my snuggly animals. I love my life. Most days. But I have found myself at a point in my life that I feel very down. I don't like to go out and be with people. I have to argue with myself to get out and be with friends. It takes a lot for me to talk to people at school. I just don't get it. I am not a hermit. Not usually. Normally, I have a lot of spunk. I generally get along with everyone. I love my friends and I love going out. Usually. At least, that's the me that I am missing.
I fear all the time what people will think of me. I want to be loved. My biggest fear is of being alone. I don't talk to a soul about what I am going through, at least not my deepest concerns. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stubborn. I probably have a lot of pride. My mom definitely is not the type to just sit and listen. And my dad already has enough on his plate, that I would feel horrible adding to it anymore than I do. I don't even pray anymore. I feel like I'm losing faith. That worries me. I don't know what I believe at the moment. I believe there is a God. I think that I believe in Jesus Christ. But, I don't know that I believe that the LDS really is the truest. I just don't know.
My ex told me, at the end of our marriage, that I had to choose between him and being LDS. At the time I really struggled with that decision. I don't regret it. I don't regret leaving him. I still believe I am doing what I am supposed to. But I don't know that I believe as strongly about being LDS as I did then. I have been through a lot of garbage, and I know that there are people who go through much worse, but my trials have really taken a chunk of my faith with them.
I'm not happy. I no longer have the motivation I used to have. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely and I'm depressed. Maybe this is because I am not very active in my faith anymore. Maybe those feelings have some justified reason to be there. I do wish having someone to talk to. God are you listening?
To tell you the truth, I do believe that I struggle with depression. I know I do. But I don't really think it is a chemical thing. I think it's more of a life sucks at the moment kind of deal. I know that eventually life will get better. At least, I do have a hope that it will.
So, most of this was just a ramble. It's my blog, I get to do that!
I will leave you with hope. My hope is that life will get better. Maybe not easier. But better.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Self Perception
Aimee according to Aimee
Self Perception
by Aimee Barker
These days, I mostly see myself as a lonely, homely hermit. But, on a good day, I see me as a hardworking, self-motivated single mom. I am kind and generous, but maybe not enough. I can be selfish. I’m very stubborn. I’m not afraid to ask for help, but I often wait until it’s almost too late. I am a faithful and loyal friend. I have an insatiable appetite for adventure, and am always busy with something – even if it’s just blogging or tweeting. I think that my adventurousness often gets me into trouble, or creates strange meals. My laugh is funny. I’m generally optimistic, but once a month I tend to be very cynical. Sometimes I am outgoing, sometimes I am shy. I am nerdy and weird, but I prefer the term unique. I can be clingy and boring. Sometimes I am funny and spontaneous. I am always looking for the best way to make life better for my children. And myself.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Let Go and Let God
School for Christy is now in full swing, I have about a week and a half to go!
Christy loves Kindergarten. She loves playing with friends and learning her letters.
I love having the mornings to just be with Wesley. It's wonderful bonding time.
This morning he is playing with his cars. Mostly, the cars are just dropped down the stairs, but he didn't want any help from me! Silly little guy!
There really isn't a whole lot happening around here yet.
I'm still single, and loving it.
I saw Ex a few days ago. He stayed in a hotel and I dropped the kids off to stay the night with him. I don't miss him, but I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I know it will come, and it's in God's time frame, not mine. But, still. Don't you think it would be nice if he would atleast tell me when, who or how I am to meet my significant other?
I keep doing this yo-yo thing with God. I say, "Here God, I can't handle all of these trials and tasks you've given me, so I'm giving them to you to deal with." And a few days later I say, "Wait! I think that maybe I didn't give it enough effort or time, So let me have them back and I'll keep working on them." Even though I know I should just Let Go and Let God, I'm just too darn stubborn for my own good. Hmm....
In the mean time, I think I'm going to go snuggle my little boy and forget about the tasks that are needing to be done for a little while longer!
Christy loves Kindergarten. She loves playing with friends and learning her letters.
I love having the mornings to just be with Wesley. It's wonderful bonding time.
This morning he is playing with his cars. Mostly, the cars are just dropped down the stairs, but he didn't want any help from me! Silly little guy!
There really isn't a whole lot happening around here yet.
I'm still single, and loving it.
I saw Ex a few days ago. He stayed in a hotel and I dropped the kids off to stay the night with him. I don't miss him, but I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I know it will come, and it's in God's time frame, not mine. But, still. Don't you think it would be nice if he would atleast tell me when, who or how I am to meet my significant other?
I keep doing this yo-yo thing with God. I say, "Here God, I can't handle all of these trials and tasks you've given me, so I'm giving them to you to deal with." And a few days later I say, "Wait! I think that maybe I didn't give it enough effort or time, So let me have them back and I'll keep working on them." Even though I know I should just Let Go and Let God, I'm just too darn stubborn for my own good. Hmm....
In the mean time, I think I'm going to go snuggle my little boy and forget about the tasks that are needing to be done for a little while longer!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
School Days, Bird Massacres, and many adventures to come!
"Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."
That quote is from You've Got Mail. That's one of my favorite chick flick movies. I heart Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan!
Well, school has begun! My little girl, Christy, has begun Kindergarten. I can hardly believe she is 5 years old and old enough to go to school. Didn't I just have her? Weren't we just snuggling on the couch watching Baby Einsteins? Well, Baby Einsteins are no longer the craze in this little family. Our new favorite kid show to watch together is Phineas and Ferb. We adore it!
This is Miss C on her first day of school. She picked out her sweater dress to wear and was quite adorable, if I do say so myself. When we got to school, her teacher handed her a name tag. She had spelled C's name Kristy... My little girl took a look at the tag, and looked back up at the teacher and laughed, "Um...That's not my name. I spell it C-H-R-I-S-T-Y." So she got a new name tag! I love that girl!
While I've been home with little man, Wes, we've been doing something uber important: POTTY TRAINING! He's taking it slow and is really more of a 'I'm going to do what I want, when I want' kind of a guy.
Wesley will also be going to school. He's super excited to go to preschool. Although, I'm not sure he knows exactly what that means, he asks if he gets to go almost daily.I can hardly believe how darling and how big my babies are. Seriously, my little boy is no longer a baby. It makes me sad. But my kittens and my dog don't mind that I baby them, so it works out some, I suppose.
Christy likes to play with the camera. Sometimes, you get scary pictures like this one. Here I am, making some dinner and some lemon cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. Oh my goodness, they were amazing. I'm sorry you didn't get to eat one. :-)
We've also had some excitement here since we've been at Grammies house. One afternoon when Christy and I had returned from school, my dad came out of the kitchen and told us to wait until he had cleaned up the "crime scene". My kitten, Midnight, had knocked over the bird cage, and this cat, Milo, was caught eating one. I'm sure in about 6 months my mom will finally see the comedy in this event, however in the meantime, the cats hide from Gram when she's around. The rest of the time, Milo sits here, under the cabinet waiting for the other bird to fall so he can finish his meal.
Along with all the excitement of school and cat nips, I have also decided to head back to school. This time I will be attending Steven's Henager's Medical Assistant program. It will take me about two years to finish the program, and then I will be hopefully on my way to a great career. I am excited to add to my resume and my knowledge. I love learning about the human body and ways to improve our health. There are so many different body types and so many different types of healing. It's amazing.
I hope that you are all doing well! As one season ends, another great one is beginning...I don't only mean the wonderful crisp smell of fall that is present in the mornings, but many of my favorite tv shows will be beginning! Chuck, House, and Bones!
Don't forget that Chuck Season 3 comes out on DVD this week! And the Psych and True Blood season finales are happening this week, too!
Have an excellent week!
That quote is from You've Got Mail. That's one of my favorite chick flick movies. I heart Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan!
Well, school has begun! My little girl, Christy, has begun Kindergarten. I can hardly believe she is 5 years old and old enough to go to school. Didn't I just have her? Weren't we just snuggling on the couch watching Baby Einsteins? Well, Baby Einsteins are no longer the craze in this little family. Our new favorite kid show to watch together is Phineas and Ferb. We adore it!
This is Miss C on her first day of school. She picked out her sweater dress to wear and was quite adorable, if I do say so myself. When we got to school, her teacher handed her a name tag. She had spelled C's name Kristy... My little girl took a look at the tag, and looked back up at the teacher and laughed, "Um...That's not my name. I spell it C-H-R-I-S-T-Y." So she got a new name tag! I love that girl!
While I've been home with little man, Wes, we've been doing something uber important: POTTY TRAINING! He's taking it slow and is really more of a 'I'm going to do what I want, when I want' kind of a guy.
Wesley will also be going to school. He's super excited to go to preschool. Although, I'm not sure he knows exactly what that means, he asks if he gets to go almost daily.I can hardly believe how darling and how big my babies are. Seriously, my little boy is no longer a baby. It makes me sad. But my kittens and my dog don't mind that I baby them, so it works out some, I suppose.
Christy likes to play with the camera. Sometimes, you get scary pictures like this one. Here I am, making some dinner and some lemon cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. Oh my goodness, they were amazing. I'm sorry you didn't get to eat one. :-)
We've also had some excitement here since we've been at Grammies house. One afternoon when Christy and I had returned from school, my dad came out of the kitchen and told us to wait until he had cleaned up the "crime scene". My kitten, Midnight, had knocked over the bird cage, and this cat, Milo, was caught eating one. I'm sure in about 6 months my mom will finally see the comedy in this event, however in the meantime, the cats hide from Gram when she's around. The rest of the time, Milo sits here, under the cabinet waiting for the other bird to fall so he can finish his meal.
Along with all the excitement of school and cat nips, I have also decided to head back to school. This time I will be attending Steven's Henager's Medical Assistant program. It will take me about two years to finish the program, and then I will be hopefully on my way to a great career. I am excited to add to my resume and my knowledge. I love learning about the human body and ways to improve our health. There are so many different body types and so many different types of healing. It's amazing.
I hope that you are all doing well! As one season ends, another great one is beginning...I don't only mean the wonderful crisp smell of fall that is present in the mornings, but many of my favorite tv shows will be beginning! Chuck, House, and Bones!
Don't forget that Chuck Season 3 comes out on DVD this week! And the Psych and True Blood season finales are happening this week, too!
Have an excellent week!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I love to laugh!
Children.
Dogs.
Kittens.
Gina.
My Mom.
Caillou.
Ashley's Adventures.
Wesley.
Christy.
Jessica.
Utah's two seasons: Winter and Construction.
Potty words.
Will Ferrell.
Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman.
Aubrey's Tweets.
Arguments between Mom and Kaytlyn.
Naughty Jokes.
Weird Al.
Joel David Moore.
Zachary Levi.
Silly Songs.
Roller Coasters.
Adam Sandler.
Whose Line is it Anyway?
Dogs.
Kittens.
Gina.
My Mom.
Caillou.
Ashley's Adventures.
Wesley.
Christy.
Jessica.
Utah's two seasons: Winter and Construction.
Potty words.
Will Ferrell.
Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman.
Aubrey's Tweets.
Arguments between Mom and Kaytlyn.
Naughty Jokes.
Weird Al.
Joel David Moore.
Zachary Levi.
Silly Songs.
Roller Coasters.
Adam Sandler.
Whose Line is it Anyway?
These are just a few things that make me laugh. I believe the secret to getting through life is having a good dose of humor. I love laughing. It's not uncommon for me to finish a bad day with a Will Ferrell or Adam Sandler movie, or a good book. It usually does the trick. Add a dose of chocolate or some other greasy food that isn't even remotely good for you....it will make it even better!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Hello? Who am I?
Like most people, my self confidence and self worth is always up and down. And like most people my social skills change as I change.
Lately, I have found that not only do I not have a lot of self confidence or self worth, but I also feel I lack certain social skills. Do other parents ever feel this way?
I've been so privileged to hang out with my very good friends here and there over the few weeks I've been in Utah. But I am in an awkward stage, I feel.
I often feel the odds are against me. Generally it feels that way. I never have enough money. I'm 25 years old and I'm living with my parents, again! I can not seem to lose weight, even with proper diet and exercise. Even after all of that walking I did. I don't feel very pretty. And as much as I say I don't want to date or put myself out there...I'm really, really lonely. I miss having someone to share my day with. My thoughts, my vents/rants, my dreams. So, I'm blogging some of them. I miss having Ashley close. We just mesh so well and have similar life situations. I believe that someday my time will come and that special guy will come along, but I really doubt myself alot lately. I am questioning my faith. I'm really struggling, even when I'm smiling and laughing all the time...
I laugh and get obnoxious because I don't cry. I don't want to let down that guard that has taken me years to build up. Although I know crying is a great way to release those nasty toxins, I just can't seem to do it.
Remember the movie, The Holiday, until the very end Amanda (Cameron Diaz) can't cry. After her break up she sits on the desk and trys over and over to cry. I feel like that all the time.
So, I'm feeling pretty lost. I need to find myself, please help?!
Oh and while I'm rambling...I have something I wanted to say to my friends; Aubrey, Heather, Caulene and Deven... A short letter to you! "I love you! I love our gatherings. I've missed you all so very much and cannot even say enough good things about you! I want to apologize for some of my awkwardness. I always feel that I'm either talking to much, not enough, awkward or not about the right things. I recognize a lot of it could be just me being silly....I do that sometimes....So, my dear friends, I apologize immensely for my lack of social skills at the moment. I'll get better, promise. Just love me while I'm getting there, please!! And if I'm not awkward, then carry on carry on! Love you lots! See you soon. Sincerely, Me!"
Aren't we always on a journey to find our best selves? I haven't given up on me. I've just been pushed back a few paces (I've probably jogged backwards myself for a lot of it). I'll be back on that road and back to my old self again. I hope.
Kisses!
Aimee
Lately, I have found that not only do I not have a lot of self confidence or self worth, but I also feel I lack certain social skills. Do other parents ever feel this way?
I've been so privileged to hang out with my very good friends here and there over the few weeks I've been in Utah. But I am in an awkward stage, I feel.
I often feel the odds are against me. Generally it feels that way. I never have enough money. I'm 25 years old and I'm living with my parents, again! I can not seem to lose weight, even with proper diet and exercise. Even after all of that walking I did. I don't feel very pretty. And as much as I say I don't want to date or put myself out there...I'm really, really lonely. I miss having someone to share my day with. My thoughts, my vents/rants, my dreams. So, I'm blogging some of them. I miss having Ashley close. We just mesh so well and have similar life situations. I believe that someday my time will come and that special guy will come along, but I really doubt myself alot lately. I am questioning my faith. I'm really struggling, even when I'm smiling and laughing all the time...
I laugh and get obnoxious because I don't cry. I don't want to let down that guard that has taken me years to build up. Although I know crying is a great way to release those nasty toxins, I just can't seem to do it.
Remember the movie, The Holiday, until the very end Amanda (Cameron Diaz) can't cry. After her break up she sits on the desk and trys over and over to cry. I feel like that all the time.
So, I'm feeling pretty lost. I need to find myself, please help?!
Oh and while I'm rambling...I have something I wanted to say to my friends; Aubrey, Heather, Caulene and Deven... A short letter to you! "I love you! I love our gatherings. I've missed you all so very much and cannot even say enough good things about you! I want to apologize for some of my awkwardness. I always feel that I'm either talking to much, not enough, awkward or not about the right things. I recognize a lot of it could be just me being silly....I do that sometimes....So, my dear friends, I apologize immensely for my lack of social skills at the moment. I'll get better, promise. Just love me while I'm getting there, please!! And if I'm not awkward, then carry on carry on! Love you lots! See you soon. Sincerely, Me!"
Aren't we always on a journey to find our best selves? I haven't given up on me. I've just been pushed back a few paces (I've probably jogged backwards myself for a lot of it). I'll be back on that road and back to my old self again. I hope.
Kisses!
Aimee
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