All I want for Christmas...

Is my very own home!
This is mine and Christy's dream house. Every day on our way home, she and Wesley both ask when we can live there. It's totally me.

This is our dream home:
http://www.premierhomesofutah.com/fine/real/estate/home_view/fromfea/1001444/mlsname/WFRMLS/myid2273901

We've been so busy these past few months. I'm still working on being positive and happy. As well as my school work. I found out that I was still covered by insurance until the end of the year, so I've been rushing to get into the doctors, dentists and eye care specialists. I have new glasses, some contacts, some new meds and tomorrow, I'll have new teeth! Yay! No more hillbilly teeth for me!!!! I have my finals this week and then a two week break for the holidays.
Christy is learning so much. She is reading really well. She had her very first concert this month. It was the Magic of Christmas. She is in the Scera Youth Theater Alpha Actors. She loves it so much. And she does really well. She is a beautiful and strong young woman. I can't believe how fast they grow!
Wesley is such a boy. Still loves his trains, cars and balls. He loves playing with his friend Coleman. He also loves to torture the cats, chase the dog and find mischief as often as he can before he is caught. He is my little man. He caught croup from my sister. So, he is not himself at the moment. Just lying around and feeling icky. But mommy's oils and cool air and steamy showers should do the trick. I'm hoping to avoid the drs this time around, but know that if it is necessary, we'll be in there!
We are really excited for our break that is coming up. It is so needed. And of course, the kids are super excited for Santa Claus to come visit, as well as our annual traditions that we have during the holiday season.

Holy Cow! What a week!

Actually, I think a more appropriate term would be 'Holy Turkey'. Well, whichever you prefer, it was a busy and yet, relaxing week.
I've just started my new classes. Medical Billing and Vital signs and Emergencies. I'm being CPR and AED certified again. I'm actually really excited. I like being prepared. Medical Billing is a little boring, but it's important stuff to know.
Last Tuesday, there were many reports of this huge, death eating blizzard coming to town. Lots of businesses were shut down early, schools were canceled, etc. So, we never saw a single snowflake, at least not that day. So, I spend the day packing and getting ready to take off the next day for Winnemucca the drop off for my kiddos to go have Thanksgiving with their dad. (it's our half way point). The drive up wasn't so bad, except for some problems with my credit card (CURSE YOU CAPITAL ONE!). The company was great, I went up with my amazing friend Gina. We had some good times hanging out and freaking out.
Thursday was great. I slept in. Watched some tv in bed. Hung out with my fam. Prepared with my siblings for their Black Friday adventures. Our turkey was amazing. My mom and my Aunt Candy prepared some delicious eats, as always. Friday, I slept in. I didn't want to go shopping, because, I wanted to sleep in again. Friday, I didn't do a dang thing, except some homework.
Saturday and Sunday were days that made me grateful for my life. Saturday, my mom and I drove up to Winnemucca to pick up the kids. On the drive up, we found this death eating blizzard. It was so scary. We saw cars and trucks off the side of the road everywhere. There was even a big truck that had tipped over and lost most of its cargo. I hope that the driver was safe. I have never been so aware and awake. It was super scary. We made it to our hotel in about 8 hours. (It usually takes only 6) We decided to go have dinner at the Winnemucca Casino. Which, was pretty good. There were these ladies there, mother and her daughters. They were sitting at the table, coffee pot and they each had a lap top. They were playing FARMVILLE!!! I can hardly believe some people. LOL!
Then Sunday, after EX dropped off the kids, we loaded up and headed back down to Orem. The roads were clear as could be until we hit Tooele. Then, it just started to fall. We were sliding everywhere. We were going 15 - 20 MPH. I was taking no chances. This drive on the way back was so bad. There were cops, firetrucks and ambulances every 10 - 20 miles, helping somebody else get out of a ditch, or out of someone elses bumper. It was so bad. I wanted to kiss the ground when we got home. It took us 9 hours. And we only stopped once.
I can't say I hate the snow, it's really pretty and we have some good times making snowmen, snow angels, lazer tagging, sledding, etc. However, I hate driving in it. I hate the fear it gives me.
But, I am so grateful that we made it home. I am so grateful to be alive right now and to be living my life. There are many, many things about my situation right now that are less than desirable, but they are my problems, and I am alive to face them. And I don't have to do it alone. I have a family who loves me, friends that are unconditionally there, and most important of all, I have a Heavenly Father who wants me to bring my problems to him. He provided me a Savior, Jesus Christ, who will help me to overcome my shortcomings. I am indeed, one lucky gal.

I am thankful for friends

So I've been doing a lot of thinking about my last post. I have been such a downer lately. I need to change my spirits. If nothing else changes, that has to. So,
Here are some things I am doing to try to improve my outlook on my life:

• Every Day I begin the morning with "I am thankful for..." and then state something I am thankful for. I am getting my children involved as well.
• Celebrating successes. Getting up in the morning and out of bed. That is a success.
• Finding things I enjoy - and doing them.
  
• Turning up the music loud!! I believe music to be a powerful source
• Studying Anatomy. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense. But have you ever sat down and studied all the body systems? It's AMAZING what our bodies do. That's a reminder that God loves us.
  
• I'm praying with my children.
  
• I'm smiling - even if it's a "fake it until I make it" kind of smile.
  
• I'm participating in #nanowrimo. Although I'm two days behind...but I'm not stressed about it. I'll just do the best I can do. Right?!

And I want to say thank you to my sweet friends who have such kind words. I don't think we would get anywhere in life without the people in it. So that is my Thankful for today.
I am thankful for friends. Not just friends, but great friends. Friends who love me and accept me for who I am - Even when I'm in a funk or being a little crazy. I love you guys!

Confessions

I have really been having some up and down days. Or maybe months.
I'm going to share something super personal, because I want to try to see if blogging it and getting it out in the open will help me. I've tried a lot of other methods.

Story time. When I was in the 8th grade, I made an attempt at suicide. After a few doctor's appointments I was put on some anti-depressants. After I had Christy, Rob and I moved to Utah. We moved into our own apartment and I made a second attempt. Until I heard Christy crying and, I kindof came to my senses. I began seeing a therapist and my doctor. The discovery was I was on the wrong meds. Birth Control! (I was on birth control early to help regulate my cycle) I have been on almost every known birth control on the market today. Birth control makes me very suicidal, depressed and maybe even a little crazy.
I'm not on any birth control at the moment. But I am feeling very depressed. I'm not feeling suicidal. I do know that I have so much to live for. I have my darling children, a wonderful family, the most amazing friends, and my snuggly animals. I love my life. Most days. But I have found myself at a point in my life that I feel very down. I don't like to go out and be with people. I have to argue with myself to get out and be with friends. It takes a lot for me to talk to people at school. I just don't get it. I am not a hermit. Not usually. Normally, I have a lot of spunk. I generally get along with everyone. I love my friends and I love going out. Usually. At least, that's the me that I am missing.
I fear all the time what people will think of me. I want to be loved. My biggest fear is of being alone. I don't talk to a soul about what I am going through, at least not my deepest concerns. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stubborn. I probably have a lot of pride. My mom definitely is not the type to just sit and listen. And my dad already has enough on his plate, that I would feel horrible adding to it anymore than I do. I don't even pray anymore. I feel like I'm losing faith. That worries me. I don't know what I believe at the moment. I believe there is a God. I think that I believe in Jesus Christ. But, I don't know that I believe that the LDS really is the truest. I just don't know.
My ex told me, at the end of our marriage, that I had to choose between him and being LDS. At the time I really struggled with that decision. I don't regret it. I don't regret leaving him. I still believe I am doing what I am supposed to. But I don't know that I believe as strongly about being LDS as I did then. I have been through a lot of garbage, and I know that there are people who go through much worse, but my trials have really taken a chunk of my faith with them.
I'm not happy. I no longer have the motivation I used to have. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely and I'm depressed. Maybe this is because I am not very active in my faith anymore. Maybe those feelings have some justified reason to be there. I do wish having someone to talk to. God are you listening?
To tell you the truth, I do believe that I struggle with depression. I know I do. But I don't really think it is a chemical thing. I think it's more of a life sucks at the moment kind of deal. I know that eventually life will get better. At least, I do have a hope that it will.
So, most of this was just a ramble. It's my blog, I get to do that!
I will leave you with hope. My hope is that life will get better. Maybe not easier. But better.

Self Perception

Aimee according to Aimee
Self Perception
by Aimee Barker

These days, I mostly see myself as a lonely, homely hermit. But, on a good day, I see me as a hardworking, self-motivated single mom. I am kind and generous, but maybe not enough. I can be selfish. I’m very stubborn. I’m not afraid to ask for help, but I often wait until it’s almost too late. I am a faithful and loyal friend. I have an insatiable appetite for adventure, and am always busy with something – even if it’s just blogging or tweeting. I think that my adventurousness often gets me into trouble, or creates strange meals. My laugh is funny. I’m generally optimistic, but once a month I tend to be very cynical. Sometimes I am outgoing, sometimes I am shy. I am nerdy and weird, but I prefer the term unique. I can be clingy and boring. Sometimes I am funny and spontaneous. I am always looking for the best way to make life better for my children. And myself.

Photo Scholarship! (I NEED MONEY FOR SCHOOL!!)

Me and My BFF Brickfish

Let Go and Let God

School for Christy is now in full swing, I have about a week and a half to go!
Christy loves Kindergarten. She loves playing with friends and learning her letters.
I love having the mornings to just be with Wesley. It's wonderful bonding time.

This morning he is playing with his cars. Mostly, the cars are just dropped down the stairs, but he didn't want any help from me! Silly little guy!

There really isn't a whole lot happening around here yet.
I'm still single, and loving it.
I saw Ex a few days ago. He stayed in a hotel and I dropped the kids off to stay the night with him. I don't miss him, but I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I know it will come, and it's in God's time frame, not mine. But, still. Don't you think it would be nice if he would atleast tell me when, who or how I am to meet my significant other?

I keep doing this yo-yo thing with God. I say, "Here God, I can't handle all of these trials and tasks you've given me, so I'm giving them to you to deal with." And a few days later I say, "Wait! I think that maybe I didn't give it enough effort or time, So let me have them back and I'll keep working on them." Even though I know I should just Let Go and Let God, I'm just too darn stubborn for my own good. Hmm....

In the mean time, I think I'm going to go snuggle my little boy and forget about the tasks that are needing to be done for a little while longer!