Like most people, my self confidence and self worth is always up and down. And like most people my social skills change as I change.
Lately, I have found that not only do I not have a lot of self confidence or self worth, but I also feel I lack certain social skills. Do other parents ever feel this way?
I've been so privileged to hang out with my very good friends here and there over the few weeks I've been in Utah. But I am in an awkward stage, I feel.
I often feel the odds are against me. Generally it feels that way. I never have enough money. I'm 25 years old and I'm living with my parents, again! I can not seem to lose weight, even with proper diet and exercise. Even after all of that walking I did. I don't feel very pretty. And as much as I say I don't want to date or put myself out there...I'm really, really lonely. I miss having someone to share my day with. My thoughts, my vents/rants, my dreams. So, I'm blogging some of them. I miss having Ashley close. We just mesh so well and have similar life situations. I believe that someday my time will come and that special guy will come along, but I really doubt myself alot lately. I am questioning my faith. I'm really struggling, even when I'm smiling and laughing all the time...
I laugh and get obnoxious because I don't cry. I don't want to let down that guard that has taken me years to build up. Although I know crying is a great way to release those nasty toxins, I just can't seem to do it.
Remember the movie, The Holiday, until the very end Amanda (Cameron Diaz) can't cry. After her break up she sits on the desk and trys over and over to cry. I feel like that all the time.
So, I'm feeling pretty lost. I need to find myself, please help?!
Oh and while I'm rambling...I have something I wanted to say to my friends; Aubrey, Heather, Caulene and Deven... A short letter to you! "I love you! I love our gatherings. I've missed you all so very much and cannot even say enough good things about you! I want to apologize for some of my awkwardness. I always feel that I'm either talking to much, not enough, awkward or not about the right things. I recognize a lot of it could be just me being silly....I do that sometimes....So, my dear friends, I apologize immensely for my lack of social skills at the moment. I'll get better, promise. Just love me while I'm getting there, please!! And if I'm not awkward, then carry on carry on! Love you lots! See you soon. Sincerely, Me!"
Aren't we always on a journey to find our best selves? I haven't given up on me. I've just been pushed back a few paces (I've probably jogged backwards myself for a lot of it). I'll be back on that road and back to my old self again. I hope.
Kisses!
Aimee
