Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hello? Who am I?

Like most people, my self confidence and self worth is always up and down. And like most people my social skills change as I change.
Lately, I have found that not only do I not have a lot of self confidence or self worth, but I also feel I lack certain social skills. Do other parents ever feel this way?
I've been so privileged to hang out with my very good friends here and there over the few weeks I've been in Utah. But I am in an awkward stage, I feel.
I often feel the odds are against me. Generally it feels that way. I never have enough money. I'm 25 years old and I'm living with my parents, again! I can not seem to lose weight, even with proper diet and exercise. Even after all of that walking I did. I don't feel very pretty. And as much as I say I don't want to date or put myself out there...I'm really, really lonely. I miss having someone to share my day with. My thoughts, my vents/rants, my dreams. So, I'm blogging some of them. I miss having Ashley close. We just mesh so well and have similar life situations. I believe that someday my time will come and that special guy will come along, but I really doubt myself alot lately. I am questioning my faith. I'm really struggling, even when I'm smiling and laughing all the time...
I laugh and get obnoxious because I don't cry. I don't want to let down that guard that has taken me years to build up. Although I know crying is a great way to release those nasty toxins, I just can't seem to do it.
Remember the movie, The Holiday, until the very end Amanda (Cameron Diaz) can't cry. After her break up she sits on the desk and trys over and over to cry. I feel like that all the time.

So, I'm feeling pretty lost. I need to find myself, please help?!

Oh and while I'm rambling...I have something I wanted to say to my friends; Aubrey, Heather, Caulene and Deven... A short letter to you! "I love you! I love our gatherings. I've missed you all so very much and cannot even say enough good things about you! I want to apologize for some of my awkwardness. I always feel that I'm either talking to much, not enough, awkward or not about the right things. I recognize a lot of it could be just me being silly....I do that sometimes....So, my dear friends, I apologize immensely for my lack of social skills at the moment. I'll get better, promise. Just love me while I'm getting there, please!! And if I'm not awkward, then carry on carry on! Love you lots! See you soon. Sincerely, Me!"

Aren't we always on a journey to find our best selves? I haven't given up on me. I've just been pushed back a few paces (I've probably jogged backwards myself for a lot of it). I'll be back on that road and back to my old self again. I hope.




Ashley said...

beautifully said my dear friend. Don't be afraid to let people know how you really feel inside. You don't always have to be the strong one, you are a wonderful shoulder to cry on, person to lean on, and glue to put everything back together, but remember, you also need that from time to time from your friends too! Your friends are the people who love you truly, whether happy, smiling, cheerful and optimistic, or grumpy, tearful, obnoxious, akward, quiet or a chatter box. You have gone through a rollercoaster of a past few years, it is only natural that your emotions are doing the same. Lean on your friends, and don't be afraid to share what is going on in your heart. And as lonely as you feel, just remember, someday your prince will come, and you won't need to look for him, nor will your friends need to find him for you ANYONE READING THIS COMMENT, TAKE IT TO HEART, AIMEE DOES NOT LIKE BEING THE SUBJECT OF PEOPLE'S MATCHMAKING SCHEMES!!! and until your prince does come... have wild adventures with you children, kiss cute boys when the opportunity arrises, and get more pets.. ssshhh! don't tell your mom about the more pets part! Hang in there my dear, know that you are loved, and one day very soon, I will be out there in Utah with you and we can wade through the "mud and crud" of daily life together. But now I must bid you farewell, because my children are naked and eating chocolate cake.

jennifer said...

Aimee, Your friends and family love you. You don't need to be the strong one all the time. We are always our own worst critic. If you do find a guy, It will be on your own time. Don't settle. We all send hugs! We will get the kids together soon!