Confessions

I have really been having some up and down days. Or maybe months.
I'm going to share something super personal, because I want to try to see if blogging it and getting it out in the open will help me. I've tried a lot of other methods.

Story time. When I was in the 8th grade, I made an attempt at suicide. After a few doctor's appointments I was put on some anti-depressants. After I had Christy, Rob and I moved to Utah. We moved into our own apartment and I made a second attempt. Until I heard Christy crying and, I kindof came to my senses. I began seeing a therapist and my doctor. The discovery was I was on the wrong meds. Birth Control! (I was on birth control early to help regulate my cycle) I have been on almost every known birth control on the market today. Birth control makes me very suicidal, depressed and maybe even a little crazy.
I'm not on any birth control at the moment. But I am feeling very depressed. I'm not feeling suicidal. I do know that I have so much to live for. I have my darling children, a wonderful family, the most amazing friends, and my snuggly animals. I love my life. Most days. But I have found myself at a point in my life that I feel very down. I don't like to go out and be with people. I have to argue with myself to get out and be with friends. It takes a lot for me to talk to people at school. I just don't get it. I am not a hermit. Not usually. Normally, I have a lot of spunk. I generally get along with everyone. I love my friends and I love going out. Usually. At least, that's the me that I am missing.
I fear all the time what people will think of me. I want to be loved. My biggest fear is of being alone. I don't talk to a soul about what I am going through, at least not my deepest concerns. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stubborn. I probably have a lot of pride. My mom definitely is not the type to just sit and listen. And my dad already has enough on his plate, that I would feel horrible adding to it anymore than I do. I don't even pray anymore. I feel like I'm losing faith. That worries me. I don't know what I believe at the moment. I believe there is a God. I think that I believe in Jesus Christ. But, I don't know that I believe that the LDS really is the truest. I just don't know.
My ex told me, at the end of our marriage, that I had to choose between him and being LDS. At the time I really struggled with that decision. I don't regret it. I don't regret leaving him. I still believe I am doing what I am supposed to. But I don't know that I believe as strongly about being LDS as I did then. I have been through a lot of garbage, and I know that there are people who go through much worse, but my trials have really taken a chunk of my faith with them.
I'm not happy. I no longer have the motivation I used to have. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely and I'm depressed. Maybe this is because I am not very active in my faith anymore. Maybe those feelings have some justified reason to be there. I do wish having someone to talk to. God are you listening?
To tell you the truth, I do believe that I struggle with depression. I know I do. But I don't really think it is a chemical thing. I think it's more of a life sucks at the moment kind of deal. I know that eventually life will get better. At least, I do have a hope that it will.
So, most of this was just a ramble. It's my blog, I get to do that!
I will leave you with hope. My hope is that life will get better. Maybe not easier. But better.

Self Perception

Aimee according to Aimee
Self Perception
by Aimee Barker

These days, I mostly see myself as a lonely, homely hermit. But, on a good day, I see me as a hardworking, self-motivated single mom. I am kind and generous, but maybe not enough. I can be selfish. I’m very stubborn. I’m not afraid to ask for help, but I often wait until it’s almost too late. I am a faithful and loyal friend. I have an insatiable appetite for adventure, and am always busy with something – even if it’s just blogging or tweeting. I think that my adventurousness often gets me into trouble, or creates strange meals. My laugh is funny. I’m generally optimistic, but once a month I tend to be very cynical. Sometimes I am outgoing, sometimes I am shy. I am nerdy and weird, but I prefer the term unique. I can be clingy and boring. Sometimes I am funny and spontaneous. I am always looking for the best way to make life better for my children. And myself.