Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I have really been having some up and down days. Or maybe months.
I'm going to share something super personal, because I want to try to see if blogging it and getting it out in the open will help me. I've tried a lot of other methods.

Story time. When I was in the 8th grade, I made an attempt at suicide. After a few doctor's appointments I was put on some anti-depressants. After I had Christy, Rob and I moved to Utah. We moved into our own apartment and I made a second attempt. Until I heard Christy crying and, I kindof came to my senses. I began seeing a therapist and my doctor. The discovery was I was on the wrong meds. Birth Control! (I was on birth control early to help regulate my cycle) I have been on almost every known birth control on the market today. Birth control makes me very suicidal, depressed and maybe even a little crazy.
I'm not on any birth control at the moment. But I am feeling very depressed. I'm not feeling suicidal. I do know that I have so much to live for. I have my darling children, a wonderful family, the most amazing friends, and my snuggly animals. I love my life. Most days. But I have found myself at a point in my life that I feel very down. I don't like to go out and be with people. I have to argue with myself to get out and be with friends. It takes a lot for me to talk to people at school. I just don't get it. I am not a hermit. Not usually. Normally, I have a lot of spunk. I generally get along with everyone. I love my friends and I love going out. Usually. At least, that's the me that I am missing.
I fear all the time what people will think of me. I want to be loved. My biggest fear is of being alone. I don't talk to a soul about what I am going through, at least not my deepest concerns. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm stubborn. I probably have a lot of pride. My mom definitely is not the type to just sit and listen. And my dad already has enough on his plate, that I would feel horrible adding to it anymore than I do. I don't even pray anymore. I feel like I'm losing faith. That worries me. I don't know what I believe at the moment. I believe there is a God. I think that I believe in Jesus Christ. But, I don't know that I believe that the LDS really is the truest. I just don't know.
My ex told me, at the end of our marriage, that I had to choose between him and being LDS. At the time I really struggled with that decision. I don't regret it. I don't regret leaving him. I still believe I am doing what I am supposed to. But I don't know that I believe as strongly about being LDS as I did then. I have been through a lot of garbage, and I know that there are people who go through much worse, but my trials have really taken a chunk of my faith with them.
I'm not happy. I no longer have the motivation I used to have. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm lonely and I'm depressed. Maybe this is because I am not very active in my faith anymore. Maybe those feelings have some justified reason to be there. I do wish having someone to talk to. God are you listening?
To tell you the truth, I do believe that I struggle with depression. I know I do. But I don't really think it is a chemical thing. I think it's more of a life sucks at the moment kind of deal. I know that eventually life will get better. At least, I do have a hope that it will.
So, most of this was just a ramble. It's my blog, I get to do that!
I will leave you with hope. My hope is that life will get better. Maybe not easier. But better.


JessG said...

Aw (((((((((BILLIONS OF HUGS FOR YOU!))))))))))))

Aimee, you know are extremely loved by me, by your friends, by your family and your kiddos. Even your snuggly fuzzy pets love you! And Heavenly Father loves you more than you can imagine. If I was there to come give you a hug I would. I would even suggest a temple trip :).

I know it's hard going through to figure out what you believe. I know that times are tough and have been for a while. No one likes tough times.

Depression is a hard thing to overcome and even though you are blogging about it, I'm glad that you talking about it. It helps to get it off your chest. I know if I say, "Don't worry, everything will get better." It can make things worse just because everyone says those things.

All I can say for now is that Aimee, know you are truly loved by God, Christ and everyone you are surrounded by. Pray. I know it may be hard to do. If it is hard for just you to pray on your own at first, begin by doing family prayer with your kids. Go read your favorite scriptures. Your favorite stories of faith and overcoming trials.

And if you really need to, call the sister missionaries in the area just to chat with.

And you know you can always call me. Always. Even though I'm so far away, I'm just a phone call away. Miss you and hope that you will begin to feel that love that can lift your spirit back up again soon.

Cora said...

Aimee lady-

I'm sorry.
I don't know if that helps, but I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that life, right now, sucks. But like JessG said... people *do* love you. More than I think you realize. More than I think they even realize. Your family seems like such a support system.. and same with your friends...

It always seems that when life sucks the most, the first thing we let go of is God. Which is really really sad when that is the most important time to hang onto him with the tips of your fingers. I know, I've been there.. not quiet like you have, but kinda.

Aimee- if you need a fresh perspective, or someone new to vent to, I'm here... I know I'm not "new" but I'm a fresh face... since we never see each other.

Aimee- I can only promise you that if you are doubting the validity of the gospel, go back into your posts... go back to when the conviction of the truthfulness was evident and pouring out of you, word by word. Read your previous blogs.

You know that you are where God needs you to be. even though it is super frustrating and sometimes annoying that God's timetable and our own are so different. Sometimes, we want what we want and we don't understand why we can't or don't get it when we want it.

You're in a far better place now than I think you realize. And if you wanna go to the temple, just to have a refresher course, I'm more than happy to go with you.