Friday, October 17, 2008

I really do love my life!

A phrase I have been saying a lot is "I hate my Life...". I really don't hate my life, I just do not love these trials I am going through. Will they ever end?
They will! That's the beauty of it. ...At least, I think they will.
Yesterday I met with my lawyer to sign a Motion for Temporary Orders, but when I got there to read through it, I didn't feel that it was necessary to send it to the soon to be ex. Instead, I asked that she work on putting the stipulation together, as I believe the ex is ready to sign something, as well as I am. I think we have come to an agreement. The stipulation will take about a week or 2 to put together, and then they will deliver it to ex. Assuming he will sign in agreement, it will be delivered back to my lawyer, where they will send it to be filed. After that, it takes about 3 weeks to be final. ...
Then I will be a free woman!!! So, who wants the first date? I know you guys are just waiting in line! lol!
Anyway, As I said I have been saying a lot "I hate my Life". I use that phrase often. I have become so frustrated. I haven't taken time to cry or to break down. I've been using my "brave face" so much for my kids, that I forget to let loose and let my emotions go. I am a believer of "crying is a healthy release", but I can't seem to use it. I don't know why.
I often say that I'm doing fine with everything, that I will be so glad once this is all over. And I will be, don't get me wrong here. I can't wait to start life once again and move forward. But, it is a sad thing. I have put my whole self into my marriage for the past 3 and 1/2 years. I love this man. I am losing something. As much as I am trying to deny it. I am losing something, my little family is changing into two little families....kindof. The relationship I have had with this man has changed. Of course, that is neccessary to move forward with my life in the way I want to.
My children seem to be doing okay. Christy struggles now and then. She often asks if mommy and daddy are going to live together at their house. And I just explain to her, as best as I can to her level of understanding, that mommy and daddy aren't living together anymore. The hardest is when she cries. She cries a lot, especially when I go to work. She misses being with me. And I miss being with her. My children are my whole world. Everything I do, comes back to them.
So, what do I do to counteract the negative "I hate my Life"? I try to say something I love about my life, everytime I say that. So here is a list.

Things I love...(and people)

1. Christy Ann. I love my daughter.
2. Wesley Robert. And of course my son.
3. The Gospel of Jesus Christ. Without it, I would not have much optimism.
4. Joseph Smith - who translated the Book of Mormon.
5. The Book of Mormon for guidance in my life.
6 Prayer. What I believe to be the highest for of meditation.
7. Yoga - my favorite form of exercise.
8. Tai Chi. Great for finding center, and exercising my energy.
9. Massage. I feel great about giving an amazing massage. I love giving that part of myself.
10. School. I never want to stop learning.
11. Jasper. He is my snuggly puppy.
12. Ziggy. His singing is beautiful.
13. Flash. He thinks he is a lap dog, lol!
14. Digital Cameras. I love taking millions of pictures and then deleting the ones you don't want.
15. Window Shopping...because money is scarce these days.
16. Curious George. It gives me some moments of peace, and it also reminds me of Laura.
17. Laura. I miss her. She was an amazing light. I sometimes feel her with me. I love her.
18. Sleeping in. It's such a treat when I get to!
19. Hot men. Lol! Need I say more?
20. My friends, cause I have the best.
21. Dinner night with Aubrey, Heather and Deven. I know they love how I pressure them to get out on a date!
22. Fall colors. They are just exciting to me!
23. Dancing. Oh how I misseth.
24. Singing out loud with the windows open.
25. Music turned up loud. Right now my favorite is Jason Mraz.
26. Laughing. "I love to laugh...."
27. Monday night tv. Chuck and Heroes. Awe, how I love Zachary Levi. :)
28. Dr. House. His ornery-ness makes him kindof sexy in my book...although if I ever dated a guy like that I'd smack him...
29. Elf. One of my favorite Will Ferrell movies. It's great for laughing.
30. Kissing. Making out is good for you! lol
31. Sunrise. I love this beautiful mark of a new day. A fresh beginning.
32. Facebook. It's a great way to keep up with my friends.
33. My family. I love hanging out with my sisters and my brother.
34. Games. I love playing games. But I do tend to get competitive. Sorry.
35. Parties, I love just having fun.
36. Going to the movies. I love the escape from the world for a few hours...and if the movie sucks, it's a great place to make out!
37. Dressing up. I love getting made up.
38. Aubrey. She is my bestest friend. Ever. I have known her longest.
39.Risa. I miss you Risa! She's my other bestest friend.
40. Heather, she is also on my bestest friends list.
41. Deven, you also make that list!
42. Chocolate. I love chocolate.
43. Cooking. I love to cook.
44. The Wii. Except when I lose that's not fun.
45. Kaytlyn. I love watching her growup! She is such a great sister.
46. Christy Mikaela. She is amazing at hair. Ask me for her card! And she is a great friend and sister, especially when I want someone to listen to me.
47. Nicole. She always has my back.
48. Jessica. I have a lot of them in my life. And I love them all.
49. When my sister Jessica comes down to visit from college.
50. Joshua. Or Omni, depending on what name you know him as. I think he has a great sense of humor, and he is an amazing big brother. I wish him all the happiness and success in the world.
51. Jared - thank you for reviving my love for dancing. I owe you one.
52. Mom and Dad. They are the beginning, you know. They are everything.
53.Bob and LaRene. All their kindness, their love and their generosity. Plus they both have a great sense of humor.
54. Fires. In the fireplace, or at the campground.
55. Camping. Or any other way I can find to commune with nature.
56. Gina. She makes me laugh, and I love going to class, knowing she will be there. You can't help but smile when she is in class. She has the best commentary and her jokes can not be beat!
57. Twilight. I love those books. I'm still looking for my Edward.
58. Charise, Jessica and Comic Con! Best vacation.
59. - whenever I need to read up about a movie, book or tv show.
60. The Third Wheel. It's a funny movie. Check it out!
61. My Savior, Jesus Christ. Even though I have made some pretty huge mistakes, through Him, I am forgiven and am able to move past them. And maybe even help somebody else on my way.
62. Christy Lynn. She helps to put life in perspective. And she is just plain fun!
63. Christine. (I hope that is how she spells her name). She has the best "get togethers".
64. Ramona, California. I strangely feel at home there. I love the small town feel. (My mom will tell you I'm crazy for that!)

That was therapeutic. Try it out sometime! Once I got started, they just started coming. I really do love my life, and all of the people in it. And of course my animals.
Well, have a great day! It's beautiful outside, and Kaytlyn is making me breakfast! Kaytlyn I love you!


Aubstar said...

Quite the hefty list..

Hehe, hefty... ('Where yo boyfriend at? Is he hefty? Is he coming back? Where yo boyfriend at?)

I think I always forget to stop and list the good things that I have to be grateful for, instead I opt to complain about what is wrong. And you know what? When you come right down to it, which list is longer?

Yeah... so why do we spend so much time on the short list?

You, as always have opened my eyes. I loe you!

Aubstar said...

Or Love, either works..

Deb Williams said...

I love your forgot Debbie Risa's annoying older sister whos is trying to but in and be friends with you guys!!!

I do miss you guys. you are more than welcome to come visit hang or escape to my house any time!!

Crying will is all apart of the process but I think that you have to go through all the steps of "greaving" to get there. I know this is hard. But I think you are Amasing. You could have folded at anytime to your hubby's wishes but you were true to the faith! I know you will be blessed. I know you worked hard at a marrage that had a MAJOR hurdle. I think you fought a valient fight. I think you are getting a grand fresh start and you must now go forward with what you have learned and get a guy who will share your loves and "intrests"!

Hey and there are people out there who are thinking about you and praying for you. I ask risa how you are all the time..but she dosn't spill all your beans...Hey and as the nosey big sister I WaNNA KNOW! Know that I will be here for you if you need a friend...even though i do know you have the best two friend any one could ask for!!!

The Brownies said...

hey..where am i on that list??

The Morty's said...

I like your list. I need to do something like that....