Sunday, October 12, 2008
Purple is my favorite color. It makes me happy.
Today was the first day that I really felt the burden of being lonely. Now, I am not really alone, of course I have my parents, my sisters and brother, my children, good friends and my silly animals. I also have my Heavenly Father, for whom I am eternally grateful for his presence in my life. By lonely, I mean I have really started to notice that all of the reality of the divorce and end of my marriage is real. Before I was so busy trying to get all the paper work filed and loans re-arranged and all the children things gathered together. Now as I wait upon the legal system and lawyers, now that all is left really is to wait, I am finding that I have time to breath. Time to sleep, time to write in a blog :). Now that there is more "down time", I am feeling some of the emotions sink in. I know that it is normal to feel sad, depressed and somewhat like a failure. But I never realized how much apart of me they have become. I am generally not a sad or pessimistic human being. Nor do I intend or want to be like that forever. But just for today. Today I would like to look back and reflect on the sadness and the tears that were lost. I have lost a big part of who I was. My marriage was everything to me. I put all of myself into it. I loved this man. I still do. And instead of being depressing, I think I am going to reflect on things I am grateful for. For, a grateful heart will help to cheer up the rest of myself. I am grateful for the experiences that were given and the lessons learned. I am grateful for family who were all supportive. For friends who were always there, and still are. You know who you are! I'm grateful for Aubrey, who has known me through all my ups and downs. All my in and out of loves. And she still loves me! She is my sister from another mister (or however that saying goes.) I am grateful for our weekly lunches. Those keep my weeks going. I am also grateful for friends and family who say they will be there, and then never show up. They teach me that I can do this. That even when I can't rely on others, I always have my Heavenly Father. And my Savior. I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The Gospel promises that there is happiness. After the trial, there comes great blessing. After the heartaches, there is love. He is always there. Even when others are not, or cannot.
I am grateful for my children. They are goofy. They make me smile. Christy sings to me. Wesley is a lover boy. He loves to give kisses, snuggles and squeezy hugs. My dogs, my silly dogs. Flash and Jasper are snuggly. Wesley loves to chase them. A few days ago, Flash caught a mouse in the backyard. We were grateful for that. (us Miller women do not like mice!) I saved Flash's life. 3 times. I will write about that story another time. But I'm grateful that I was able to save him. Ziggy makes such beautiful songs. I love to listen to him sing. When you are filled with joy, sing praises. I love music. I love to sing. Even when I am off key. I do believe that I was blessed with the gift of music. I haven't practiced in a few years, and sadly am not as good as I once was. (but I'm as good once as I ever was). The first person to name what song and artist that line is a reference to, I'll give you a free massage! :)
I am grateful for the opportunity I have to go to school this year. I have learned a lot, and I have only been in school for 2 terms! I am so excited everyday to learn more about massage and other elements of natural healing. Aubrey, Deven, Heather, Caulene and I decided to go to Bodyworlds on Friday. It was absolutely amazing. I love learning about our bodies. And how to take good care of them. I am grateful to be going into a profession in which I am able to help people learn how to take better care of themselves.
I am grateful for prayer. For meditation. For opportunities to speak with our Heavenly Father. He listens. And although it may not always be what or when we want to hear it, he does answer. Miracles happen everyday, and they are not just by coincidence.
I am grateful for modern technology. Okay, maybe I watch a little too much tv...but I just can not get enough of Zachary Levi as Chuck. Seriously, could I just take him home? I need the Nerd Herd to come fix my computer. I also love getting lost in Heroes and House, M.D.
And of course, there is my movie and Wii addictions. The last movie I watched, well is actually a tv series called the 4400. I'm on the 2nd season and I cannot wait to find out what will happen to Lilly and Isabel. I am grateful for these, as they are an easy way to sometimes just unwind and escape reality for a little while.
I made a mii (the Wii character-thingy) and I named it A-mii. :) I thought it was creative!
I really am grateful for everything in my life. Even my trials that make me feel sad. But I am grateful for the ability we have to overcome them, and to get up off our feet, dust ourselves off and press forward.
Even as I say these things, I feel much better now that I have turned my focus more toward being grateful. But I could still use a hug. So, I am off to seek out my children.
With all my love,
Oh, and a P.S. I am trying to get past this level on Super Mario Galaxy, it's a water level, and I can't seem to learn how to swim properly. If you can do this, come win that level for me! :)