Brightness of Hope. Light in tunnels

The past months have been a dark endless cave in my life. There has been so much pain, deceit, bullying. Name callings, mudslinging, etc. As I have said before, I felt has though this person whom we call, Aimee has been stuffed in a cave somewhere. I feel as though I have been coming out towards the light, and really becoming me again. As I am going towards this light on the outside, I have to go through some tunnels of darkness.
I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorfesident's talk, "The Infinite Power of Hope" from October's General Conference. He said, "Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us." This quote just hit me. This hope is the small glimpses of light I see as I am finding my way through these tunnels.

This week has been an extremely emotional one. The ex's lawyer has sent some paperwork for me to fill out. It would seem that he is now fighting for sole custody. I don't think he will find much from my medical records or even pictures from my house to hold me up in court. But it is still stressful. And has even brought about some hateful feelings I didn't know that I had. I don't hate him. I have never hated him. But I am fighting for the best interests of my children. As I am writing up a response and getting some friends and family members to put together some witness reports, I have had an opportunity to reflect some on this so called marriage. So, obviously there was something that must have attracted me to ex in the first place. Actually, it was his testimony. His strong testimony and love of the gospel. (I didn't realize it was mostly just for show). I also loved his family. I loved that he was committed to helping them out. I love his mom. She is really sweet and had become one of my best friends throughout the course of my marriage. I confided many things to her. She was my place to go release some of the stress and vent. And as I vented, she understood that I didn't really meant that I hated ex, just that I hated what he was doing at the time, and knew there wasn't anything to do about it but just let off some steam. She was great at giving advice, as well as understanding when I didn't think that some of the advice wouldn't work in my situation. I hope one day that she and I will have the opportunity to become friends again.

Through some of my "hatred" feelings, I wasn't sure what to do. So I prayed. I pray for ex and his famliy constantly. I pray for understanding of why things ended the way they did. I am slowly seeing some of the things. Heavenly Father has blessed me with some extra lights in these tunnels.
He has also blessed me with being a woman and having the excuse of being a woman....I cry. Today I cried. I haven't cried much about this whole ordeal much at all. I've been too angry. I'm still angry, but I feel a little lighter. And just because I am praying for light and understanding does not mean I will stop fighting for what I believe in. But I can now fight with a little more perspective.

2 Nephi 31:20 says this “Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." I press forward with faith. Because I have hope. I have faith. And I am working on having charity. Sometimes I forget to use it. And without hope and faith, where would we be? Back in the defect marriage, waiting and praying for a way out. I'm greatful that Heavenly Father let me know that it was okay to get a divorce. It was okay for me to get out.

I do wish and pray for ex to find happiness. I don't want his life to be miserable. I am greatful to not be with him anymore, but I hope he finds someone who understands him and they can be happy together. But I am fighting for my children. But not to have my children to keep them from him, but FOR my children for what I believe is the best for them. I have been with them for nearly every moment in their lives. I do know a little bit about what is best for them ;)

Christy and Wesley got to go to class with me today and get massages. We learned infant massage last week and today we did them. They were both so excited to go. Christy was wiggly and wanted to play with everyone and touch everything, and Wesley just layed there and enjoyed it.

Christy is still very much the princess. Last week for Family Home Evening, I helped Christy pick out a few things from the newspaper adds that she and Wesley would like for Christmas. We then glued them onto our "Christmas lists". Christy's list has things like shoes, a dress, a kitchen, barbies, princess themed items, and a bike. Wesley has a ball, a book and a tool box. lol! Christy's list is huge! It's been fun to teach her about Christmas and why we really have it. She loves to learn about the Gospel. She doesn't quite understand the sacrament yet, but she does know if you ask her who gives us the bread, she will reply, "it's special from Jesus." Tears always seem to find their way down my face as she slowly starts to comprehend some of this stuff. She is amazing at praying and loves to sing the primary songs. She has such a sweet voice. I love being her mommy! She is one of my best friends. She loves to read, sing, dance and especially loves when we go to the Dinosaur Museum at Thanksgiving Point.

Wesley is now 13 months. He is into EVERYTHING! He likes to climb up and down on anything he can. He's a little stinker. But he gives the sweetest kisses and hugs. He likes to boogey when there is music. He enjoys playing with Jasper and watching Ziggy fly around his cage. He likes to pretend to read and loves to push Rocket around the house. Both of my kids love day care. Linda is awesome with the kids. They look forward to going every week and talk a lot about their friends.

I am in still in school, I can't believe it's almost midterms! I am taking Advanced massage, aromatherapy, hydrotherapy and kinesiology. I also have clinics on Saturday. I love school! I love doing massage. My first clinic experience was way cool. My last client stayed talking to our cashier for almost 20 minutes afterward talking about how amazing I was! I love seeing people's improvements from my therapy. It is such a rewarding thing. I am not sure what I want to do with it when I am done, but I think that I am pretty close to it.
Kinesiology is really cool, actually. I want to go back to the BodyWorlds now, so I can apply what I have learned now. Aromatherapy is a smelly class! Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
I am so excited to learn some more of the natural healing. I have felt some improvement on my part. Hydrotherapy we actually start next week, i think. That's like wraps and the stone therapy. I am so excited! And Advanced is just fun to learn the different modalities. I think I am going to take my chair with me around to different places and earn some extra christmas cash!
Massage is really becoming a big thing everywhere. It's such an amazing and needful aspect in our health. Read about it!

Everyone should come have a massage from me! (your first one is free! Unless I really love you, then they are all free haha!). You can either call me and we can use my own little spot, or call Provo College and request me for clinics on Saturday Afternoons. Seriously, I am that good!

I love Monday night television. Chuck and Heroes are awesome! I love Zachary Levi. When we went to Comic Con last year, I wanted so bad to get the autographs from the Chuck cast, but they cut the line off, like 2 people in front of me. It made me so mad. A few months ago, I had a dream about him (no, not one of those....) it was weird, but really kindof sweet. I wont go into any details on here... But since then, I have decided that I am just going to hold out for him, as he is unreachable. And the thought of seriously dating or being with a guy just really scares me. So he is safe. And he is nice to look at. :)
Don't you think?

Well, I think Kaytlyn is home, so I am going to go visit with her and get ready for our Monday night rituals. (FHE and of course, my beloved Chuck and Heroes!)

What I've been up to...

It's been a while since I have updated my blog.

So, we had Halloween, which was a blast! Christy went as Princess Giselle and Wesley was Tigger. I went as the Corpse Bride. I used my very own wedding dress. I trashed it. And by trashed, I mean ripped, cut with scissors, singed with fire, rolled in the dirt, ran over it with the cars, etc... It was actually quite therapeutic, and it turned out great. Anyway, I will post pictures later, as the pictures are on Kaytlyn's camera, and I don't know where she went....(probably to bed).

Then we had voting day. I don't think I will tell you who I voted for or if I lived in Cali what I would have voted for. This blog is to be hate free. (Unless we talk about evil things like the devil himself, whom can not be talked about infront of little ears.)

This last Thursday we went to court for Temporary Orders. Basically, it just means we now have rules until this divorce is final. I won full physical custody (which is what was most important to me) and the ex has to pay a little more money than I even thought he would have had to. My lawyer is amazing!
The ex was angry, to say the least. He went squealing out of the parking lot. I'm sure to some it may look and sound as though I am being mean and spiteful to him. However, I feel that I am only looking out for the best interests of my children. It's hard thing to decide. I do not wish divorce upon anyone. Especially if there are children involved. I hope one day that the ex and I will be able to get over this hate. I don't really hate him. I hate how he makes me feel. The way he bullies me. The way he yelled at me infront of our children and belittles me when I am not there. (Yes, dear, little ears do tattle on you.). I hope that he can find happiness in his life.
I can not wait for this to be final. I want to be able to go out with friends and not feel like "hi, I am Aimee. You're cute, but um...I'm still married." Yeah, no good. I am so ready to move forward in my life.
I miss the feeling of being in love. I don't want to rush into anything, I mean seriously, I don't want to be in a deep relationship for a while. I have to get some other things in my life in order. But I do miss the thrill of being chased. I can't remember the last time that I was actually chased. The last time I got flowers, chocolates, a note. A smile. Or even just getting dressed up to take me somewhere special. I miss the deep conversation and getting to know each other. I don't think that even after being married for 25 years that you can't find something new about your SO (Significant Other).
As much as I miss that, though, I am so excited to get back in touch with myself. I used to be an out doorsy girl, and "on the go" girl. I feel like that has been taken from me. For almost four years, I have not been on a roller coaster, done something risky (like bungee jumping), haunted houses, gone dancing, laughed whole heartedly at myself, tried new things, or even played my guitar. Those are things that I love. Things that partly make me me. I am so looking forward to summer and a trip to Lagoon. Or maybe even the big DL. I want to go bungee jumping. I have gone dancing twice in the past two months and both times were way fun. I only really danced at one of those occasions, but I am dying to go again.
Yesterday, Kaytlyn and I were playing Barbies with Christy and I don't remember what I did, I was goofing off, and I laughed until there were tears in my eyes. It was a whole hearted laugh. It felt so good.
I even joined the ward choir today.
I feel like this part of me that was dead is coming back. The best thing about it is, I get to have me kids involved. They really are my whole life. I love them so much. I will continue to fight for them until this ugly divorce is over.

I realize a lot of this is rambling. But, it feels good to ramble today. I have a lot on my mind and feel that some stress has been taken away since Thursday. Even though it's not the permanent arrangement, yet, I am greatful for rules so that he no longer can bully me into things that are not right or things that I do not want to do. He no longer has that power. And I feel like a great weight has been lifted from me. And I even find myself enjoying the feeling of getting dressed up, for no one. It's fabulous.
I really do hope that none of you have to go through the ugly D word. But if you find yourself in that situation and need a shoulder to cry on or to understand, I am here. I also have an amazing lawyer, the best Marilyn Moody Brown.

I will do more of an update later, when I am feeling a little less "rambly". (That is now my word, I made it up!)

XOXO,
Aimee