Sunday, November 23, 2008

Brightness of Hope. Light in tunnels

The past months have been a dark endless cave in my life. There has been so much pain, deceit, bullying. Name callings, mudslinging, etc. As I have said before, I felt has though this person whom we call, Aimee has been stuffed in a cave somewhere. I feel as though I have been coming out towards the light, and really becoming me again. As I am going towards this light on the outside, I have to go through some tunnels of darkness.
I read President Dieter F. Uchtdorfesident's talk, "The Infinite Power of Hope" from October's General Conference. He said, "Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us." This quote just hit me. This hope is the small glimpses of light I see as I am finding my way through these tunnels.

This week has been an extremely emotional one. The ex's lawyer has sent some paperwork for me to fill out. It would seem that he is now fighting for sole custody. I don't think he will find much from my medical records or even pictures from my house to hold me up in court. But it is still stressful. And has even brought about some hateful feelings I didn't know that I had. I don't hate him. I have never hated him. But I am fighting for the best interests of my children. As I am writing up a response and getting some friends and family members to put together some witness reports, I have had an opportunity to reflect some on this so called marriage. So, obviously there was something that must have attracted me to ex in the first place. Actually, it was his testimony. His strong testimony and love of the gospel. (I didn't realize it was mostly just for show). I also loved his family. I loved that he was committed to helping them out. I love his mom. She is really sweet and had become one of my best friends throughout the course of my marriage. I confided many things to her. She was my place to go release some of the stress and vent. And as I vented, she understood that I didn't really meant that I hated ex, just that I hated what he was doing at the time, and knew there wasn't anything to do about it but just let off some steam. She was great at giving advice, as well as understanding when I didn't think that some of the advice wouldn't work in my situation. I hope one day that she and I will have the opportunity to become friends again.

Through some of my "hatred" feelings, I wasn't sure what to do. So I prayed. I pray for ex and his famliy constantly. I pray for understanding of why things ended the way they did. I am slowly seeing some of the things. Heavenly Father has blessed me with some extra lights in these tunnels.
He has also blessed me with being a woman and having the excuse of being a woman....I cry. Today I cried. I haven't cried much about this whole ordeal much at all. I've been too angry. I'm still angry, but I feel a little lighter. And just because I am praying for light and understanding does not mean I will stop fighting for what I believe in. But I can now fight with a little more perspective.

2 Nephi 31:20 says this “Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." I press forward with faith. Because I have hope. I have faith. And I am working on having charity. Sometimes I forget to use it. And without hope and faith, where would we be? Back in the defect marriage, waiting and praying for a way out. I'm greatful that Heavenly Father let me know that it was okay to get a divorce. It was okay for me to get out.

I do wish and pray for ex to find happiness. I don't want his life to be miserable. I am greatful to not be with him anymore, but I hope he finds someone who understands him and they can be happy together. But I am fighting for my children. But not to have my children to keep them from him, but FOR my children for what I believe is the best for them. I have been with them for nearly every moment in their lives. I do know a little bit about what is best for them ;)


Chris and Risa said...

I love you girly. Don't forget with all this trouble and pain you have so many people behind you who love you and are supporting you, even some of us from a distance. And others you will only be able to feel their support from the other side of the veil... there is more support than any of us could ever imagine. remember you are a daughter of god, who loves you, and sometimes the hardest things in life are for OUR benefit. If you need anything, including your fight with the Ex, let me know, i've known you for 12 years, and plan on knowing you forever!

Mer and Mel said...

Aimee- Happy Birthday today! I Hope things are going better for you- Let me know if you need anything!